Here are some family games that help sharpen listening
skills:
Series of
Sound
Using everyday items, you can incorporate hidden sounds into
a family game. Challenge family members to listen for, draw, and repeat a
series of common sounds. It’s amazing how much everyone tunes out the sounds
around them.
Preparation
Collect everyday objects such as a stapler, book,
paper, kitchen tools or toys and place in a plastic bin or cardboard box.
Be sure to have a variety of items on hand to make
noise with. Take turns making organizing a set number of these. For
example, a series might include banging a book on the desk, bouncing a
small ball, stomping your foot, clapping your hands, stapling papers,
whistling, clicking keyboard keys, or shaking a bag of Lego blocks.
Instructions
After dinner, have everyone at the table listen for
sounds made only by the designated “sound engineer.”
Every time a new sound is made, everyone should draw
a picture of the item that made the sound.
After all the sounds are made, share everyone’s lists,
pass around the items drawn and recreate the series of sounds in order. Celebrate
everyone’s listening success and laugh about the sounds no one got.
The Last Word
Multi-tasking is an essential element of effective
listening. Similar to a common improvisation activity, this game challenges
students to listen to classmates while also preparing a relevant statement in
their head. Small or large groups can easily play ‘The Last Word.’
Choose a topic such as in the jungle,
prehistoric life, an episode of a TV show, or a new pop song.
Select an order by handing out numbers or base
your order on the seating arrangements.
The first player must walk to the front of the
room and say one sentence that relates to the chosen topic.
The next player must immediately walk to the
front of the room and say one sentence that starts with the last word said by
the player immediately before them.
Play continues until all students have had a
turn. If a student is unable to come up with an appropriate sentence within ten
seconds, he is out of the game.
Game play continues in this fashion until there
is only one person left and he is the winner.
Story Builder
Instead of playing 20 Questions on your next car trip. start
a story where one person starts a story with a single sentence. Each person
adds a new sentence, but only after repeating all of the previous sentences.
Check out this list of 15 Activities to Build Listening Skills:
Are you concerned about how your child (or spouse, or friend) is coping with all of the issues confronting them right now? Have you actually tried to find out what things are really bothering them, rather than just assuming that they are facing the same issues and concerns that you are facing? Are you confident that they know they can bring their concerns to you and find a safe space where they can process everything that’s going on, knowing that you will understand and respond with empathy? (And not try to solve their problems, or offer your opinions.)
Have you walked away from a serious conversation with your child feeling like your words were just not sticking? Maybe your child feels the same way. As Amanda Ripley wrote “Humans need to be heard before they will listen.” In lockdown we’re with our families mostly 24-7, and tuning everyone out is one coping mechanism. Unfortunately, it also closes the door on really being able to help your child deal with their frustrations and concerns. Now is the time to mix things up and start by looking at how you listen. And as your listening skills improve, so will your child’s, and you will be heard.
It’s easy for the important things to go out of focus while you’re trying to work from home and manage your child’s online learning. In the midst of COVID-fatigue, it becomes rather easy to go through the motions of listening, and not really hear what your child is saying. When this happens, we can miss little cues that tell us how they are doing and how they are feeling. Equally important, your child notices that you aren’t listening, which makes them feel belittled and insignificant
To
“really hear” what someone is saying, you have to consciously put yourself in
the “really listening” mode. Your
responses to the speaker will let them know that they are being heard. Think about a conversation where you felt the
person you were speaking with really heard what you were saying. It’s likely
that person used some of these active listening techniques that made you feel
heard and understood:
Eye contact
Attentiveness
Open minded
Don’t interrupt
Ask questions to help better understand
the situation
Empathize with the person
Give positive feedback
When your child is sharing a part of their day with you, put yourself in “really listening” mode and show that you are listening. For a child, knowing that they are being heard provides a sense of security and reinforces positive self-esteem. When your child knows they won’t be judged they can safely bring their concerns to you — not only the issues they are facing now but also the ever-more-difficult ones they will face as they grow up.
These active listening skills are important in
situations when you want to be an involved parent and help your child make good
decisions. Listening well does not mean you always agree with what your
child is saying. If you don’t agree with what your child says or how they
handled a situation, take a step back and listen in order to try to understand
where your child is coming from and how to coach them on where they are
going. Really hearing someone means you
do not jump in with your opinion, ideas or judgment; it means that you absorb
what the speaker is saying and respond with empathy. And as you really listen to your child, you
can help them assess their actions, analyze their options, and choose their path. You can’t be by your child’s side every
minute, telling them what choices to make and what actions to take. As they grow up, you have to trust the
lessons your child learned as you calmly nodded and coached them through their
earlier mishaps.
This is especially important right now when
we’re all mourning losses: a loved one, the opportunity to play on the varsity
team, a graduation celebration, a long-planned vacation, a visit with
grandparents, or simply hanging out with friends. Being able to listen to and
help your child name and explore their feelings, such as anger, frustration and
sadness, will help them as they process their experiences and prepare to move
on.
As you listen to your child, take the
opportunity to think about how you experienced things when you were your
child’s age and what things were like for you at that point in your life. Then
you can provide perspective that can help your child think about and understand
their own experience.
Your empathy is powerful. Your child learns
about how to communicate in every conversation they have. Making some of these
techniques part of how your family talks with each other, you will be
benefiting your child’s ability to communicate with their peers, now over Zoom,
FaceTime, etc., later when they return to school, and in social situations
generally. Being an effective listener helps make an active learner, as well as
providing valuable skills for problem solving and conflict resolution. These
skills also help build a strong foundation for your family’s relationships and
communications; these skills can be crucial when faced with other challenging
situations and provide a framework for working out conflict. And when life
returns to some semblance of “normal” you’ll be able to point to your child’s
resiliency in dealing with the challenges faced today.
* * * * * *
Try using these tips to help you get the best
out of a conversation with your family and build bridges to better
communication:
Set up some one-on-one time with each of your children. It can be as simple as when your child is helping you make dinner, set the table etc.
Focus on your child. Ask them how their day was (even if it was all spent within earshot of you), ask open ended questions, make sure they know you are interested in what they have to say.
Try not to interrupt if they are telling you a story about some behavior you don’t really agree with. Try to ask questions that are not judgmental. For example, “why do you think you reacted that way?”, “how did you feel after you had that reaction?”. Help your child sort through the emotions and come up with their own conclusions.
Put yourself in your child’s position. Try to listen and not over-analyze what they are saying. Remember your child is talking to you, they want to trust you with their stories and feelings.
Share an experience where something similar has happened to you, and you can offer some comfort.
Restate parts of the story, so your child knows you are listening. This also helps you better understand the context of the story.
Repeat this sequence with each of your children. Sometimes having these conversations as a group will ensure that no family member feels left out and not heard.
Over
time, using these techniques will help develop your family’s listening
“muscle.” According to Stephen Walton from The Positive Parenting Centre
website: “It’s critical to model your capacity to listen and understand. In turn, your child will instinctively
develop active listening techniques of their own. They will become less argumentative and
defensive, become more democratic and develop emotional maturity.” Be the best listener you can be to help
promote good communication and understanding within your family. Active
listening is not only about paying attention, it is also about engaging in
dialogue, and one important pay-off is deeper and richer family relationships.
Welcome to the March 2020 edition of Let’s Talk, COPE’s new monthly parenting newsletter. This newsletter is intended to keep you up to date on parenting-related news, offer useful parenting tips, and provide you with insights via various topics from our website SPENJ.ORG.
In this edition we’re focusing on mindfulness, explaining why you might
want to find a way to integrate some kind of mindfulness “practice” into your
life, both for your own well-being and to be a better parent.
Please let us know what you think of our newsletter
– just drop an email to copeletstalk@gmail.comor sjohnsoncope@gmail.com. Send us any topics or issues you want to learn more about. We
want this newsletter to be informative, useful, timely and worthwhile, so your
feedback is very important. And if you’re not receiving the newsletter directly
from us (sjohnsoncope@gmail.com) and would like to “subscribe”, just shoot an email to the
addresses above!
Thanks,
Susan, Ruth, Logetty, Sharlene, Keira and Carol
COPE’s Parenting Team
++++++++++++++++++++
We hear
and read about mindfulness a lot these days. It’s such
a common term that it can hard to ask what it means and how to “do” it. Mindfulness
is the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what
we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around
us.
Basically, it is the work of focusing your thoughts on something
physical (Often breathing or looking closely at something) to “turn off” the
loop of worrying or thinking about what you’re doing or have done or
thought. Here’s an excerpt from an article about simple practices will
breathe space into your daily routines.
Next time you’re stuck in
traffic, try this:
Mindful Driving: Drive Yourself Calm, Not Crazy
There’s nothing like
heavy traffic and impatient drivers to trigger the “fight or flight” response.
That’s why road rage erupts and stress levels soar, while reason is overrun.
The worse the traffic, the worse the stress. Los Angeles, where I live, has
some of the worst traffic around, and some of the most un-serene drivers. Emotions
run high, tempers flare, tires squeal.
Here’s
a link to a
short video explanation of mindfulness.
++++++++++++++++++++
Recent parenting news you
may have missed:
Coronavirus remains at the top of the news. Click here for a link to a New York Times article How to Prepare for the Coronavirus. With your kids, check
out this NPR story—there’s
a link to a 3-minute story and to a comic exploring the virus with tips for
staying healthy…did we hear “wash your hands”? ) You can find the latest news
updates about COVID-19 (Coronavirus) by clicking
here. We’ll keep our
website updated as new information becomes available.
++++++++++++++++++++
March’s featured
parenting tip:
Turn making a mistake into a problem-solving
opportunity
Reframe the message! Brain science research tells us that
making mistakes can help us learn. Doing it wrong should send the message to
work harder to get it right, not discourage you from trying. So, what can we do
as parents to encourage this “growth” mindset? Click here to read more.
++++++++++++++++++++
The Tip of the Week is
updated on the website every week or two during the school year. Click here to see the current Tip of
the Week.
Upcoming parenting workshop: Mindfulness for Parents
March 14 from 10:30 am –
12:00 pm at Union Congregational Church, Montclair
March 22 from 1:30 pm – 3:00 pm at the West Orange Public Library
Click here for flyer with details and
registration information (pre-registration is requested in case of schedule
changes).
++++++++++++++++++++
Mindful Parenting: Getting Your Emotions Under Control
We
live saturated with information, plugged into devices using applications that
daily, hourly and minute-by-minute repeat and reinforce messages that convey
information, anxiety and concern. As parents we not only have to figure out
what age-appropriate access we want for our children, but also how to manage
our own responses to this never-ending barrage. Click here to read the entire article.
We found some websites
with helpful resources to help begin to build mindfulness into your daily
routine:
So you like the way you feel after practicing some deep
breathing and
want to find a way to fit some kind of mindful practice into your daily
routine. One route is to use an app on your phone. There are some good free apps available. The
magazine Mindful has some suggestions.
Want to start your week off right? Check out destressmonday.org where you’ll find a weekly tip for refreshing your mind.
Turn making a
mistake into a problem-solving opportunity. Brain science research tells us that making mistakes can
help us learn. Doing it wrong should send the message to work harder to get it
right, not discourage you from trying. Click here to read the entire article.
This article is from our website and provides practical suggestions for starting to use one of the key tools of mindfulness. Can Meditation Positively Impact Your teenager? It Absolutely Can! A teenager’s life is full of stressful decisions and difficult emotions. Meditation is known to reduce conditions that start in adolescence, including anxiety, depression, and stress. Meditation is the purposeful focusing of the mind, which trains your mind to your mind to slow down, relax, and stay positive. Click here to read the entire article.
Feeling blue? Eat Dark Chocolate
Looking for a rationale to keeping a bar of dark chocolate
in the drawer for emergencies? In a recent study a cross-sectional survey of
13,626 adults found that after eating dark chocolate, people experienced less
depressive symptoms. If you only like milk chocolate, you’re out of luck, the
chocolate has to have at least 45% cocoa.Click
here to read the entire article.
There’s nothing like heavy traffic
and impatient drivers to trigger the “fight or flight” response. That’s why
road rage erupts and stress levels soar, while reason is overrun. The worse the
traffic, the worse the stress. Los Angeles, where I live, has some of the worst
traffic around, and some of the most un-serene drivers. Emotions run high,
tempers flare, tires squeal.
But it doesn’t have to be like that.
In fact, the snarliest traffic jam can provide an excellent opportunity to
build your mindfulness muscle, increase your sense of connection to others, and
restore some balance and perspective.
Here are the steps to a simple
behind-the-wheel practice I’ve been doing for a while. I’ve found it can work
wonders.
1. First, take a deep breath. This simple, yet profound
advice helps bring more oxygen into your body and widens the space between the
stimulus of the traffic and your heightened stress reaction. In this space lies
perspective and choice.
2. Ask yourself what you need. It may be in that moment that
you need to feel safe, at ease or you just need some relief. Understanding what
you need will bring balance.
3. Give yourself what you need. If ease is what you need, you
can scan your body for any tension (not a bad thing to do while driving in any
case) and soften any tension or adjust your body as needed. You can sprinkle in
some phrases of self-compassion, such as, “May I be at ease, may I feel safe,
may I be happy.”
4. Look around and recognize that
all the other drivers are just like you. Everyone on the road wants the same thing you do—to
feel safe, have a sense of ease, and to be happy. Chances are you’ll see a
number of fellow drivers who look a bit agitated, but you might also catch that
one who is singing or actually smiling, and this will dissipate some of your
own stress immediately. You can apply to all of them what you just offered to
yourself, saying, “May you be at ease, may you feel safe, may you be happy.”
5. Take another deep breath. In 15 seconds or less, you can
turn around your mood by applying these simple tips. When you feel the
frustration of traffic rising, choose whatever you need to work on, and offer
that condition to others. If you need to feel safe, say, “May I be safe, may
you be safe, may we all be safe.” Breathe in, breathe out, you’ve sowed a seed
of happiness.
Reframe the message! Brain science research tells us that
making mistakes can help us learn. Doing it wrong should send the message to
work harder to get it right, not discourage you from trying. So, what can we do
as parents to encourage this “growth” mindset?
To give children confidence to feel good about themselves
and their abilities to ultimately get it right requires that parents lay a
foundation, all of which are building blocks of positive parenting:
Manage expectations: this strategy only works when
expectations are realistic. What is being asked should be age/developmentally
appropriate.
Set a good example: when you get frustrated or
mess up, do you rage or laugh at yourself?
Be patient with accidents and mistakes. Calmly
having kids clean up their own messes teach responsibility and that
these things do happen.
Recognize effort; find the positive and ask what
lesson was learned.
Don’t solve your child’s problems for her. Throw
a lifeline to help her understand her mistakes and focus on how to find
solutions.
Empathize. Show you understand and believe in
your child’s abilities.
Consequences still matter. Don’t skip the
conversation about how to right a wrong.
Stay in the moment; don’t shift focus to past
mistakes.
Problem solving doesn’t always work in all
situations; some problems can’t be solved, know when to try a different
approach.
The process of how you do something sometimes matters more
than the result or outcome. The lessons that stay with you are the ones that
you own. The key is to make figuring something out a part of the fun.
The Today Show published useful tips (drawn from the homeschooling community) for making school-at-home both a learning environment and one that can help you parent well. (March 23)
From The New York Times: Wash Your Hands. No, Like This: Scientists say that a common technique for applying hand sanitizer, one recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, is inferior to an alternative method with twice as many steps.
Here’s a link
to a poster you can print out at home and
hang over the sink as a reminder of how to wash properly.
Welcome to the third edition of Let’s Talk, COPE’s new monthly parenting newsletter. This newsletter is intended to keep you up to date on parenting-related news, offer useful parenting tips, and provide you with insights via various topics from our website SPENJ.ORG.
This edition features podcast on the science of happiness, a tip on keeping your family flu free (we’re all concerned about the new coronavirus) and an article intended to lend support when you have to say “no!”Please let us know what you think of our newsletter – just drop an email to copeletstalk@gmail.com or sjohnsoncope@gmail.com. Send us any topics or issues you want to learn more about. We want this newsletter to be informative, useful, timely and worthwhile, so your feedback is very important. And if you’re not receiving the newsletter directly from us (sjohnsoncope@gmail.com) and would like to “subscribe”, just shoot an email to the addresses above!
Thanks.Susan, Ruth, Logetty, Sharlene and CarolCOPE’s Parenting Team
++++++++++++++++++++
Recent parenting news you may have missed:
As if we weren’t all already worried about this year’s very unpleaseant flu varieties, now we have the Wuhan coronavirus to keep us awake at night. Click here to read the CDC’s Healthy Habits to Prevent Flu. If you’d like a reminder to stick on your refrigerator, here’s a pamphlet from NY State Department of Health. (And keep reminding your family to wash their hands!)
++++++++++++++++++++January’s featured parenting tip:
Looking for an antidote to the stress in your life and the 24/7 news cycle?
Try the podcast The Science of Happiness. Learn research-tested strategies for a happier, more meaningful life, drawing on the science of compassion, gratitude, mindfulness, and awe.
++++++++++++++++++++
The Tip of the Week is updated on the website every week or two during the school year. Click here to see the current Tip.
February parenting workshop: Parenting as a Team
February 8 10:30 am – 12:00 pm Union Congregational Church, Montclair
February 16 1:30 pm – 3:00 pm West Orange Public LibraryClick here for flyer with details and registration information (pre-registration is requested in case of schedule changes).
++++++++++++++++++++
January’s featured article:
Setting Limits: Why saying no may be the most important gift you give your children
It’s hard to say no. Ask any parent of a young child, especially when it has been a long day at work, near the end of a long, rainy weekend day, or in the cookie aisle of the supermarket. There are plenty of times when it feels easier just to say “yes” just to get a little peace and quiet. These are the times to refocus yourself and remember just how important it is for children to have clear, consistent limits.
When parents set boundaries and expectations, they are helping their children feel safe and secure. If the rules are clear and children know what is expected of them, they learn not only how to regulate their own behavior, they also learn what your family values are.
This doesn’t happen overnight. When you begin establishing rules and limits and consistently making your expectations clear over time, you are providing your children with a toolbox of skills they can use to navigate the emotional and behavioral challenges they will face throughout their lives.
It’s both impossible and undesirable to manage setting limits at all times and in all circumstances. What matters most? Protecting your child from harm, looking after personal property, respecting and caring for other people—these are commonly-held principles for everyone.
The limits and boundaries you set depend on what is most important to you as a family; while the guiding principle remains the same (“A good night’s sleep is important”), the details (actual bedtime) will of course change over time as your child develops physically and emotionally. Click here to read the entire article.
Making Lemonade Out of Lemons: What Making Mistakes Teaches UsSaying “No!” and meaning it a big part of parenting; equally important is how you frame conversations about your child’s mistakes. Turn making a mistake into a problem-solving opportunity. Brain science research tells us that making mistakes can help us learn. Doing it wrong should send the message to work harder to get it right, not discourage you from trying. Click here to read the entire article. More Info on Setting Limits
Remember that children learn by pushing up against limits; as a parent, setting those limits and holding firm isn’t conflict. The boundaries parents set for their families keep everyone safe, reinforce a family values, and teach children how to live with others.
For toddlers and young children: It’s all about safety and establishing a routine for babies and very young children, but even when speaking to young children, how you communicate these limits is important. Click here to read the entire article.
For older children and teens: It’s important to keep your cool when talking about limits with older children and teens. Not only are you teaching self-control and responsibility, as a parent, you’re modeling that behavior. Click here to read the entire article.
It’s important to
keep your cool when talking about limits with older children and teens. Not only
are you teaching self-control and responsibility, as a parent, you’re modeling
that behavior.
Rules need to be specific. Have a family discussion so that everyone is on the same page and understands both the rules and the consequences.
Create dialogue by involving your child in developing the rules and consequences; that way, even if they are not fully satisfied with the boundary, they will have a better sense of the rationale behind it.
Consistently follow through with consequences.
Recognize and encourage success and effort
Keep the conversation going so that the boundaries you establish change both as your child grows and matures and can handle more responsibility. If rules aren’t respected, keep talking so that problems can be addressed before they get too overwhelming.
Reach out for help. There are lots of resources in the community: counselors at school, clergy at houses of worship, community organizations like COPE or others on our website.
It’s all about
safety and establishing a routine for babies and very young children, but even
when speaking to young children, how you communicate these limits is important.
Explain the limit in
a positive way that explain why there is a boundary:
“Hold my hand when we cross the street. There are lots of cars and
you might get hurt.”
Use an “I-message:”
“I can’t let you throw sand, you might hurt someone in the sandbox.
Unless you stop, we’ll have to go home.”
Consequences should
be logical:
“If you yell loudly at the movie, we’ll have to go home because
other people can’t hear.”
Use “when” statement
to communicate your expectations:
“When you have washed your hands, you can have a snack.”
Offer choices:
“It’s cold outside, you can wear your sweater or your jacket.”
Saying “No!” and meaning it a big part of parenting; equally important is how you frame conversations about your child’s mistakes. Turn making a mistake into a problem-solving opportunity. Brain science research tells us that making mistakes can help us learn. Doing it wrong should send the message to work harder to get it right, not discourage you from trying. So, what can we do as parents to encourage this “growth” mindset? To give children confidence to feel good about themselves and their abilities to ultimately get it right requires that parents lay a foundation, all of which are building blocks of positive parenting:
Manage expectations: this strategy only works
when expectations are realistic. What is being asked should be age/developmentally
appropriate.
Set a good example: when you get frustrated or
mess up, do you rage or laugh at yourself?
Be patient with accidents and mistakes. Calmly
having kids clean up their own messes teach responsibility and that
these things do happen.
Recognize effort; find the positive and ask what
lesson was learned.
Don’t solve your child’s problems for her. Throw
a lifeline to help her understand her mistakes and focus on how to find
solutions.
Empathize. Show you understand and believe in
your child’s abilities.
Consequences still matter. Don’t skip the
conversation about how to right a wrong.
Stay in the moment; don’t shift focus to past
mistakes.
Problem solving doesn’t always work in all
situations; some problems can’t be solved, know when to try a different
approach.
The process of how you do something sometimes matters more
than the result or outcome. The lessons that stay with you are the ones that
you own. The key is to make figuring something out a part of the fun.
Another piece of developing your child’s confidence by
allowing them room to learn from their experience, both good and bad, is
backing off from being the over-involved parent. Sometimes demonstrating love
by being in the middle of your child’s life experience blocks them from
developing the very independence and resiliency you want from them.
