Want more information?:
Tips for Listening Without Judgment
Smoking Weed Could Cost Teens
Free Marijuana Talk Kit from the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids
What’s So Bad About Teen Marijuana Use? Some Surprising Answers
The Child Mind Institute has prepared resources to help parents and other adults in talking to children and teens about traumatic events. Click here for a link to the guide.
The National Childhood Traumatic Stress Network created a guide for parents: Click for a link to “Talking to Children About the Shooting.”
Community Tragedy: Stress, Trauma and Media Overload by Dr. Donna Gaffney of the Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth discusses the dangers of the unrelenting exposure to media coverage of tragic, violent or traumatic events. The key takeaway, avoid media overload: turn off the radio and television and take a break from social media. Be pro-active and have a plan to counteract the unrelenting news cycle.
TLC4Teens has resources for supporting teens and their families facing challenges both in everyday life and when facing traumatic events like the Las Vegas Shooting.
When Disaster Strikes: Talking to Children about Traumatic Events
When Disaster Strikes: Talking to Children about Traumatic Events
A List of 9 Books to Help Teach and Reinforce Active Listening http://www.parents.com/fun/entertainment/books/best-books-to-teach-listening/
How to Practice Active Listening https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343
Comic relief: Everybody Loves Raymond https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VOubVB4CTU
How to use Active Listening with Children http://hybridparenting.org/how-to-use-active-listening-with-children/
You Know What I Mean? Giving Directions (for parents of toddlers and preschoolers) https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/videos/index.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fparents%2Fessentials%2Fvideos%2Fvideo_direct_vid.html
Listening is a Skill http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/healthy-communication/the-skill-of-listening/
Ten Steps to Help with Active Listening https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/#1717be7d3891
Active Listening Skills Enrich your Parental Communication http://www.the-positive-parenting-centre.com/active_listening_skills.html
Become a Better Listener https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
‘When I Was Your Age’ And Other Pitfalls Of Talking To Teens About Stress http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/04/16/523592625/-when-i-was-your-age-and-other-conversational-pitfalls-of-talking-to-teens
Parenting, Teen Stages and Mindfulness & Emotional Regulation
Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager by Anthony Wolf
“Although the rocky and ever changing terrain of contemporary adolescence may bewilder parents, Get Out of My Life gives them a great road map.”
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.
“The Body Keeps the Score eloquently articulates how overwhelming experiences affect the development of brain, mind and body awareness, all of which are closely entwined.” Ruth A. Lanius
Mindful Parenting: Simple and Powerful Solutions to Raising Creative, Engaged and Happy Kids in Today’s Hectic World by Kristen Race
Rooted in the science of the brain, and integrating cognitive neuroscience and child development, Mindful Parenting is a unique program that speaks directly to today’s busy families who make up what Dr. Race calls “generation stress.”
Good Enough Mother: The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting by Rene Syler and Karen Moline
For every woman who’s passed off store-bought cakes as her own at school bake sales comes an honest look at motherhood.
Next steps:
Introduction to Meditation Practice
Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment and Your Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Face Stress, Pain and Illness by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Information is Beautiful- Meditation and Mindfulness
Parenting Experts Share Their Best Advice for Parents
Ask An Expert: What is Mindfulness and Why Should You Try It?
Aetna’s Month of Mindfulness Website/Blog
How to Practice Mindfulness Throughout Your Work Day (Harvard Business Review)
6 Mindfulness Exercises You Can Try Today (Pocket Mindfulness)
How to Practice Mindfulness Meditation (Psychology Today)
How to Have Difficult Conversations by Don Mager (Psychology Today)
Active Listening Skills Enrich Your Parental Communications
It’s easy for the important things to go out of focus when you are getting your family’s dinner on the table, helping with homework and making sure your child has what they need for their extra-curricular activity. At times, children are telling us things and we just go through the motions of hearing, but we’re not really listening. When this happens, we can miss little cues that tell us how they are doing and how they are feeling.
Listening and hearing your child is crucial to their development. When your child is sharing a part of their day with you, it’s important to show that you are listening; knowing that they are being heard provides a sense of security and reinforces good self-esteem. Start by looking at how you listen; as you become a better listener yourself, you will be able to help your child learn these skills.
Active listening skills aren’t complex; you need to focus your attention on the speaker, suspend all judgement, and listen for the emotion as well as the words. When the speaker has completed a thought try to verbally restate/summarize what you just heard, avoiding adding your own interpretation. Next, check-in to make sure you’ve understood what the person is saying to you, ask: “What I think I heard you say was…is that right/did I understand you?”
The key is that you are not trying to come to an agreement, but you are just listening and acknowledging that you are hearing what they are saying (not what you want to hear).
Think about a conversation where you felt the person you were speaking with really listened to what you were saying. It’s likely that person used some of these techniques that made you feel heard and understood (although you may not have been aware that they were doing so, as some of these techniques are about the work the listener is doing internally)
When you make a conscious effort to use these techniques with our family, your child will begin to mimic these behaviors (especially if you prompt them to use these techniques).
Listening well does not mean you always agree with what your child is saying. Children do look for affirmation from their parents; whether or not you agree with what your child says or how they handled a situation, take a step back and listen in order to try to understand where your child is coming from before jumping in with your opinion, ideas or judgment.
Take a minute to think about what it felt like to be child’s age– what was a big deal to you then is not so important today. As an adult and as a parent you can provide perspective that can help a child think about and understand their own experience. By suspending your judgement and listening actively you can help your child truly understand what they are saying and feeling and to work through complex emotions and difficult situations.
Your child learns about how to communicate in every conversation they have. Using these techniques at home translates into other settings; being able to hear what other people are saying is a valuable social skill. While important in daily life, these skills can be crucial when facing challenging situations, and provides a framework for working out conflict.
* * * * * *
Try using these tips to help you get the best out of a conversation with your family and will build bridges to better communication:
Over time, using these techniques will help develop your family’s listening “muscle.” According to Stephen Walton from The Positive Parenting Centre website: “It’s critical to model your capacity to listen and understand. In turn, your child will instinctively develop active listening techniques of their own. They will become less argumentative and defensive, become more democratic and develop emotional maturity.” Be the best listener you can be to help promote good communication and understanding within your family. Active listening is not only about paying attention, it is about engaging in dialogue and one important pay-off is deeper and richer family relationships. The skills used in active listening aren’t hard or complex. It can feel a bit artificial if you’re using these techniques for the first time, but with time, you’ll be using them without thinking.
A List of 9 Books to Help Teach and Reinforce Active Listening http://www.parents.com/fun/entertainment/books/best-books-to-teach-listening/
How to Practice Active Listening https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343
Comic relief: Everybody Loves Raymond https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VOubVB4CTU
How to use Active Listening with Children http://hybridparenting.org/how-to-use-active-listening-with-children/
You Know What I Mean? Giving Directions (for parents of toddlers and preschoolers) https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/videos/index.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fparents%2Fessentials%2Fvideos%2Fvideo_direct_vid.html
Listening is a Skill http://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/healthy-communication/the-skill-of-listening/
Ten Steps to Help with Active Listening https://www.forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2012/11/09/10-steps-to-effective-listening/#1717be7d3891
Active Listening Skills Enrich your Parental Communication http://www.the-positive-parenting-centre.com/active_listening_skills.html
Become a Better Listener https://psychcentral.com/lib/become-a-better-listener-active-listening/
‘When I Was Your Age’ And Other Pitfalls Of Talking To Teens About Stress http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/04/16/523592625/-when-i-was-your-age-and-other-conversational-pitfalls-of-talking-to-teens
Series of Sound
Using everyday items, you can incorporate hidden sounds into a family game. Challenge family members to listen for, draw, and repeat a series of common sounds. It’s amazing how much everyone tunes out the sounds around them.
Preparation
Instructions
The Last Word
Multi-tasking is an essential element of effective listening. Similar to a common improvisation activity, this game challenges students to listen to classmates while also preparing a relevant statement in their head. Small or large groups can easily play ‘The Last Word.’
Story Builder
Instead of playing 20 Questions on your next car trip. start a story where one person starts a story with a single sentence. Each person adds a new sentence, but only after repeating all of the previous sentences.
If you have a preschooler, check out this list of activities that enhance the development of listening skills: https://kidsactivitiesblog.com/52641/listening-skills/
Over time, using these techniques will help develop your family’s listening “muscle.” According to Stephen Walton from The Positive Parenting Centre website: “It’s critical to model your capacity to listen and understand. In turn, your child will instinctively develop active listening techniques of their own. They will become less argumentative and defensive, become more democratic and develop emotional maturity.” Be the best listener you can be to help promote good communication and understanding among your family. Active listening is not only about paying attention, it is about engaging in dialogue and one important pay-off is deeper and richer family relationships.
An excerpt from: How to Support Your Child’s Resilience in a Time of Crisis
Restoring Balance
If your family has been directly involved in an act of terror, war, or a natural disaster, you will have spent weeks or months—hopefully with adequate support—in recovering your lives. If your family has been on the periphery of these crises but have been witnesses via the media, you will still need time to restore some emotional balance. During these periods, a few small things can help children.
Get back to old routines
As soon as reasonably possible, try to follow old routines because they provide comfort and a familiar structure to a child’s daily life. For example, get her back in school and do not cancel celebrations like birthday parties or after-school activities that she enjoys. Follow as normal a schedule as possible. Even if you are at a shelter, you can still maintain some family rituals like singing the same songs or reciting the same stories before bedtime. Try to maintain household rules and discipline routines, but be aware that changes in behavior may be a result of fears or insecurities that can be alleviated through repeated reassurances and extra attention. It’s OK to let your children be more dependent on you in the aftermath of a traumatic event. Children may be more distracted and have trouble concentrating on schoolwork. Be patient and give them gentle reminders and extra help if needed. Children may be more anxious when separating from parents for bedtime or when parents need to leave for work or an appointment. Give yourself extra time to cuddle and talk to your children before separating from them.
Remember that your children’s world revolves around you and your home. Any disruption to your normal family activities will be felt by your children. Things that may seem trivial to you, like watching television, playing on the computer, or having friends over, are important to your children and will be seen as tremendous losses if they are disrupted. Be patient and help children think of alternative activities if their normal toys aren’t available or if their regular activities are cancelled. Provide plenty of opportunities for play.
Review your family’s disaster preparedness plan
Another way to encourage a child’s sense of control is to review your own family’s preparedness plan together. Coming up with a family plan in case a disaster directly affects you next time (or strikes again) can help increase your family’s sense of security.
Find ways to help others
Finally, provide your children with opportunities to help others. Children cope better and recover sooner when they help others because it creates a sense of control and helps children feel better about themselves. By helping those affected by the tragedy or honoring those who died, children can regain a sense of control over a tragedy that often makes them feel helpless.
We all try to teach our children resilience so that they can bounce back from life’s challenges. That is not always easy and the American Psychological Association’s The Road to Resilience is a helpful tool for cultivating resilience in ourselves and our families.
Building Resilience in Children has 20 suggestions for strategies to help your child develop the life skills to be able to bounce back from tough times.
3 Mindfulness Practices for Grief, Loss & Building Resilience provides simple straightforward ways to start your mindfulness practice using your breathing and stepping out into nature, whether it is just out your back door, in the local park or waiting to pick your child up from school.
We’ve gathered additional reading on mindful practices here, including the spenj.org article “Can Meditation Positively Impact Your Teenager? It Absolutely Can” as well links to tips on learning how to meditate and integrate mindfulness into your family’s life.
Helping Children Cope With Frightening News
What parents can do to aid kids in processing grief and fear in a healthy way
By Harold S. Koplewicz, MD
President, Child Mind Institute
When tragedy strikes, as parents you find yourself doubly challenged: to process your own feelings of grief and distress and to help your children do the same. I wish I could tell you how to spare your children pain when they’ve lost friends or family members, and fear, when disturbing events occur, especially when they’re close to home. I cannot do that, but what I can do is share what I’ve learned about how to help children process disturbing events in the healthiest way. As a parent, you can’t protect your children from grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, and help them feel safer. By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future, and confidence that they can overcome adversity.
Additional resources
How to Help Kids Cope After a Traumatic Event
A guide for parents, teachers, and community leaders that offers simple tips on what to expect, what to do, and what to look out for after a crisis.
Helping Children Deal with Grief
You can’t protect your kids from the pain of loss, but you can help them recover in a healthy way, and build coping skills for the future.
How to Foster Resilience
A community of caring adults—and peers, too—can be critical in helping a child recover from a traumatic experience.
The Child Mind Institute is an independent nonprofit dedicated to transforming the lives of children and families struggling with mental health and learning disorders. Our teams work every day to deliver the highest standards of care, advance the science of the developing brain and empower parents, professionals, and policymakers to support children when and where they need it most. Together with our supporters, we’re helping children reach their full potential in school and in life. We share all of our resources freely and do not accept any funding from the pharmaceutical industry. Learn more at http://www.childmind.org.
Copyright 2016. Child Mind Institute
Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event: A recovery guide for parents, teachers, and community leaders
Helping Children Cope After a Traumatic Event
TABLE OF CONTENTS
—About This Guide
—Helpful Tips for Children of Any Age
— Signs of Trauma
AGE-BY-AGE GUIDE
—How to Help Children Ages 0-2
—How to Help Children Ages 2-5
—How to Help Children Ages 6-11
—How to Help Children Ages 12-18
—What Teachers Can Do to Help Students
Introduction:
Dear Parents and Teachers,
In the wake of a traumatic event, you may be filled with worry or sadness. Yet no matter how concerned or overwhelmed you may feel, as parents and teachers you have the power to help children recover. Your comfort, support, and reassurance can make them feel safe and secure, guide them through their fears and grief, and prevent them from suffering lasting psychological effects.
This guide was assembled by psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts who specialize in crisis situations. It offers simple tips on what to expect, what to do and what to look out for. There are general suggestions as well as age-specific information. If you or your children require assistance from a mental health professional, do not hesitate to ask a doctor or other healthcare provider for a recommendation.
Best,
Harold S. Koplewicz, MD
President, Child Mind Institute
Helpful Tips for Children of Any Age
Make your child feel safe. All children, from toddlers to teens, will benefit from your touch — extra cuddling, hugs or just
a reassuring pat on the back. It gives them a feeling of security, which is so important in the aftermath of a frightening or
disturbing event. For specific information on what to do and say, see the Age-by-Age Guide.
Signs of Trauma
Help children relax with breathing exercises. Breathing becomes shallow when anxiety sets in; deep belly breaths can help children calm down. You can hold a feather or a wad of cotton in front of your child’s mouth and ask him to blow at it, exhaling slowly. Or you can say, “Let’s breathe in slowly while I count to three, then breathe out while I count to three.” Place a stuffed animal or pillow on your child’s belly as he lies down and ask him to breathe in and out slowly and watch the stuffed animal or pillow rise and fall.
Watch for signs of trauma. Within the first month after a disaster it is common for kids to seem okay, or to seem generally cranky or clingy. After the shock wears off kids might experience more symptoms — especially children who have witnessed injuries or death, lost immediate family members, experienced previous trauma in their lives or who are not resettled in a new home.
Know when to seek help. Although anxiety and other issues may last for months, seek immediate help from your family doctor or from a mental health professional if they do not decrease or your child starts to hear voices, sees things that are not there, becomes excessively worried, has temper tantrums, or hurts himself or others (e.g., head banging, punching or kicking).
Take care of yourself. You can best help your child when you help yourself. Talk about concerns with friends and relatives; it might be helpful to form a support group. If you belong to a church or community group, keep participating.
Try to eat right, drink enough water, stick to exercise routines and get enough sleep. Physical health protects against emotional vulnerability. To reduce stress, do deep breathing. If you suffer from severe anxiety that interferes with your ability to function, seek help from a doctor or mental health professional; if you don’t have access to one, talk with a religious leader. Recognize your need for help and get it. Do it for your child’s sake, if for no other reason.
How to Help Children Ages 0-2
Infants sense your emotions, and react accordingly. If you are calm, your baby will feel secure. If you act anxious and overwhelmed, your baby may react with fussing, have trouble being soothed, eat or sleep irregularly or act withdrawn.
What you can do:
How to Help Children Ages 2-5
At this age, although children are making big developmental advances, they still depend on parents to nurture them. As with babies, they typically respond to situations according to how parents react. If you are calm and confident, your child will feel more secure. If you act anxious or overwhelmed, your child may feel unsafe.
What you can do:
Typical reactions of children ages 2-5:
To help kids ages 2-5 cope with the death of a loved one:
How to Help Children Ages 6-11
At this age, children are more able to talk about their thoughts and feelings and can better handle difficulties, but they still look to parents for comfort and guidance. Listening to them demonstrates your commitment. When scary things happen, seeing that parents can still parent may be the most reassuring thing for a frightened child.
What you can do:
Typical reactions of children ages 6-11:
Spend time talking with your child. Let him know that it is okay to ask questions and to express concerns or sadness. One way to encourage conversation is to use family time (such as mealtime) to talk about what is happening in the family as well as in the community. Also ask what his friends have been saying, so you can make sure to correct any misinformation.
Answer questions briefly but honestly. After a child has brought something up, first ask for his ideas so you can understand exactly what the concern is. Usually children ask a question because they are worried about something specific. Give a reassuring answer. If you do not know an answer to a question, it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Do not speculate or repeat rumors.
Draw out children who do not talk. Open a discussion by sharing your own feelings — for example, you could say, “This was a very scary thing, and sometimes I wake up in the night because I am thinking about it. How are you feeling?” Doing this helps your child feel he is not alone in his concerns or fears. However, do not give a lot of detail about your own anxieties.
Keep children busy. Daily activities, such as playing with friends or going to school, may have been disrupted. Help kids think of alternative activities and organize playgroups with other parents.
Calm worries about friends’ safety. Reassure your children that their friends’ parents are taking care of them just as they are being cared for by you.
Talk about community recovery. Let children know that things are being done to keep them safe, or restore electricity and water, and that government and community groups are helping, if applicable.
Encourage kids to lend a hand. This will give them a sense of accomplishment and purpose at a time when they may feel helpless. Younger children can do small tasks for you; older ones can contribute to volunteer projects in the community.
Find the hope. Children need to see the future to recover. Kids this age appreciate specifics. For example, in the event of a natural disaster, you could say: “People from all over the country are sending medical supplies, food and water. They’ve built new places where people who are hurt will be taken care of, and they will build new homes. It’ll be very hard like this for just a little while.”
To help kids ages 6-11 cope with the death of a loved one:
Find out what your child is thinking. Ask questions before you make assumptions about what your child wants to know. For example, you can say, “What’s been different for you since Grandma died? What feelings have you been having? All of this is really hard to think about, but it’s important for us to talk about it.”
How to help children ages 12-18
Adolescence is already a challenging time for young people, who have so many changes happening in their bodies. They struggle with wanting more independence from parents, and have a tendency to believe they are invincible and nothing can harm them. Traumatic events can make them feel out of control, even if they act as if they are strong. They will also feel bad for people affected by the disaster, and have a strong desire to know why the event occurred.
What you can do:
Typical reactions of children ages 12-18:
How to help kids ages 12-18 cope with the death of a loved one:
What teachers can do to help students
Resume routine as much as possible. Children tend to function better when they know what to expect. Returning to a school routine will help students feel that the troubling events have not taken control over every aspect of their daily lives. Maintain expectations of students. Things don’t need to be perfect, but needing to do some homework and simple classroom tasks is very helpful.
The Child Mind Institute is an independent nonprofit dedicated to transforming the lives of children and families struggling with mental health and learning disorders. Our teams work every day to deliver the highest standards of care, advance the science of the developing brain, and empower parents, professionals and policymakers to support children when and where they need it most.
Together with our supporters, we’re helping children reach their full potential in school and in life. We share all of our resources freely and do not accept any funding from the pharmaceutical industry. Learn more at childmind.org.
Be aware of signs that a child may need extra help. Students who are unable to function due to feelings of intense sadness, fear or anger should be referred to a mental health professional. Children may have distress that is manifested as physical ailments, such as headaches, stomachaches or extreme fatigue. Help kids understand more about what happened. For example, you can mention the various kinds of help coming in, and provide positive coping ideas.
Consider a memorial. Memorials are often helpful to commemorate people and things that were lost. School memorials should be kept brief and appropriate to the needs and age range of the general school community. Children under four may not have the attention span to join in. A known caregiver, friend or relative should be the child’s companion during funeral or memorial activities. Reassure children that school officials are making sure they are safe. Children’s fears decrease when they know that trusted adults are doing what they can to take care of them.
Stay in touch with parents. Tell them about the school’s programs and activities so they can be prepared for discussions that may continue at home. Encourage parents to limit their children’s exposure to news reports. Take care of yourself. You may be so busy helping your students that you neglect yourself. Find ways for you and your colleagues to support one another.
When another mass shooting takes place, as a parent it is can be challenging to manage your own reaction while figuring out how what to say to your child. The National Childhood Traumatic Stress Network suggests that parents should start the conversation about what has happened, as not saying anything makes events seem more threatening. (Click here for their brief guide.)
Find out what your child already knows, and listen carefully for misinformation, misconceptions and underlying fears and concerns. Take the time to provide correction information and encourage your child to ask questions. Answer those questions directly, no matter how difficult the question. You might be asked whether something similar could happen here. While it’s important to answer honestly, your child may be looking for reassurance that your family will be safe. Find the right moment to talk about your own family’s plan for keeping safe in a crisis.
Limit media exposure, especially for very young children. Be aware that the constant barrage of news updates repeating the same information, especially when audio or video recordings of the attack are played, can be very disturbing to a child. Limit your own exposure to the coverage so that you can focus on what your child needs.
Don’t be surprised if your child’s behavior changes, even if you have a teen. Even if your teen isn’t talking, they may be thinking about what has happened. Keep the conversation going, be patient with your family (and yourself) and provide an extra dose of comfort and understanding. Reach out for help if you are worried that a family member doesn’t “bounce back” in a reasonable time. Sometimes traumatic events act as a kind of emotional trigger.
Be a positive role mode, express empathy for victims, and use this as an opportunity to share ideas for coming with difficult situations like this tragedy. Find the good in the story — how first responders acted, how people helped and protected each other or the people who lined up to give blood. While there may not be a concrete way to help in the way we sent relief supplies and contributions to Porto Rico and Mexico after the hurricane and earthquake — thoughts and prayers for the victims is an affirmation of care and concern that is important to express and share with your family.
Further Reading
Additional suggestions for how to have the pre-college conversation before you’re in the car driving them there.
Launching Conversations: Tips for Parents of College Bound Kids
Letting go: Tips for Parents of New College Students
Launching your College Student
Feeling melancholy about your child going off to college?
Struggling to Let Go of My College-Student Daughter
It’s not too early to start practicing:
The Six Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Adult Child
Give your college bound teen the link to CDC’s webpage (College Health and Safety), which addresses these and other issues:
There are all kinds of tests in college–beyond those you take for a grade.
One way you can do this is to have them add it to the contacts list in their phone.
Worried that you’ve forgotten something? This checklist is a useful reminder:
Make time for family fun:
Cook together their favorite recipes, especially the easy ones that they can reproduce in their dorm’s kitchen to wow their roommates. Make index card copies of the recipes and an online version that you can send to them later in the year.
Sit down together to make a photobook online and order 2 copies, one for you at home and one to send with them to college.
Make plans to check something off of your child’s bucket list before they leave for school. If the whole family can participate, even better.