Featured Article

The summer before starting college is a time of transition for recent high school graduates, but before long the summer will have flown by and you’ll be packing the car to move your college freshman into the dorm.

To help ensure a successful launch, you should begin laying the groundwork now. Unlike in high school, summer work isn’t about reading 3 or 4 books, it’s about life skills and some serious conversations.

Start with the basics but don’t stop there.

1. Laundry: make your teen do their own, from stripping their bed and throwing in the towels to sorting their clothes. Don’t take it for granted that they know how often they need to change the sheets, or how much laundry can go into the machine at once and how much detergent to use. It may seem obvious, but remind them not to leave wet clothes in the washer (mentioning laundry room etiquette isn’t a bad idea either and can be a helpful segue to a conversation about adjusting to living in a communal setting).
2. Housekeeping: if your teen isn’t already helping around the house with housekeeping, a few practical lessons like sweeping the dust balls from under the bed, sewing buttons back onto shirts, advice about making sure that food left in the fridge isn’t a science experiment and keeping a box of baking soda in the fridge to absorb odors. Don’t just talk, enlist them in housekeeping at home now if they don’t help out already.
3. Transportation: while your teen may know how to get into New York City and navigate the subway, they may not know ways of getting home from campus. Review the options and their costs. Hint: if coming home for Thanksgiving requires flying or taking the train, buy the tickets now. Make a hotel reservation for Parents Weekend now too — if you decide not to go, you’ll have plenty of time to cancel. Don’t freak out, but some parents make reservations for graduation now too!

If your child will have a car on campus, open the hood and review basic maintenance like checking the oil and other fluids, knowing where to go for service, and how to get help – walk them through calling AAA or the insurance company.

4. Budgeting is a big issue. While the college’s meal plan may, in theory, cover most meals, your child will have other expenses. You’ll have to do some homework, but come up with a realistic amount for your child to manage and how much you will contribute. Talk about how to handle academic related expenses like books and materials, meals and entertainment, travel and unexpected expenses.

If your child doesn’t already have a checking account, open one now (assuming that they’ll be able to access their bank easily from campus). They’ll need to know how to write a check, send a payment electronically, know what ATM and other fees they’ll pay in various circumstances, and how to bank online securely. If you’re giving them a credit card, make the parameters for using the card are clear.

Include cell phone and data plans in this conversation, how much data they can use and how to manage their usage – reminding them to limit social media apps to Wi-Fi is one easy to rein in data consumption.

Health care: don’t leave doctors’ appointment and health forms for the last moment. If your child will be on your family’s health insurance at college, be sure the waiver form is sent in so you don’t get billed for the college’s plan. Be sure that your student goes to school with their own insurance card and know how the plan works (For example: is there a deductible? If they don’t feel well, where should they go for care; what to do in an emergency.) Ask them to sign a HIPAA release form at the doctor’s office so that you can interact with the doctor on their behalf.

Make sure they know how to get help if they’re in distress. Starting college can be an emotionally volatile experience and your child needs to know that you back them 100%. Many 18-year-olds go to college feel that if they stumble, they have failed; they need to know that they will stumble and that reaching out for support is a sign of success. For mental health, this support ranges from the RA in their dorm to the college’s counseling service, with hotlines and other services in between.

Academic support services at college aren’t just for students with special needs. Most colleges have resources to help with writing papers and working out math problem sets as well as faculty advisors who help map out your child’s academic progress. Review all the available resources together, consider making a cheat sheet for yourself so that you can make helpful suggestions when that tearful call comes. Know the college’s policy and procedure for communicating with parents, but if you are truly worried about your child, you should not hesitate to contact the college.

Your college student needs to know that it is ok to be a squeaky wheel. Not addressing a concern, whether emotional, physical, academic or social is not a sign of maturity. Using available resources is.

6. Consider making a contract with your student about their obligations. You and your child need to agree on academic expectations (GPA, number of credits that have to be earned in a semester). Consider asking your child to sign a release allowing you to see their grades and transcripts. When you have this conversation, remember that some students do struggle to adjust to college and it takes them some time to get find their academic footing; make sure your expectations are mindful of this; the last thing you want is for your child to be worried about what you are going to say if they are doing their best and they are struggling. You should have the same conversation for illicit substances. Talk through the consequences for drinking and drug use (including casual marijuana).
7. Social and sexual pressures. There have been plenty of headlines about sexual assault on college campuses. Make sure you sit down and talk with your child about these issues and how connected they are to drinking. You may feel that you sound like a broken record, but the message that alcohol abuse has serious consequences is essential. Make sure your child knows how to take care of themselves and to look out for their friends. Talk through scenarios of what to do when handed a drink at a party or if a friend has had too much to drink. It’s not a bad idea to describe the symptoms and consequences of alcohol poisoning as it is not uncommon to find a fellow student passed out in the hall of the dorm. Don’t skip this conversation if your teen has never been interested in engaging in these behaviors in high school. Even if they will be living in the substance-free dorm they need this information.
8. Encourage participation in an extra-curricular activity. It’s a way to meet people somewhere other than at parties; having a non-academic interest is a kind of safety valve that builds a social network and can help keep academic pressure in perspective. Exercise – even if it is playing Quidditch – and some kind of mindfulness practice are other important tools for scaffolding success at college.
9. Make a plan for communicating with your child when they are at college. Plan to communicate reactively – don’t start your day by texting “just to say hi.” Let your child establish the rhythm for communicating with you, but set up a regular time once a week to check in. Once they’re at school, resist the temptation to call just to hear their voice. Before you wave good bye at the dorm in September, work out how you will communicate that you need a response from them and what are your agreed expectations. Care packages are always welcome, be they a batch of chocolate chip cookies, a gift card or a framed photo of a favorite photo of you together when they were little. Letting go isn’t easy, but an easy way to avoid being a helicopter parent by being reactive in communicating with your child, especially at the beginning of the Fall semester. However, you know your child best and if you sense that there are warning signs that something is seriously not right, trust your instincts.

This list could go on, issues like time management, finding a mentor and many others, but at some point, your child is going to turn off. Don’t make this a marathon session. Don’t start with a long conversation, begin with the building blocks of independence like sending them to the doctor’s appointment alone (if they are over 18), or having them make a budget for what they want in their dorm room and letting them loose to fill up a cart on the Bath, Bed and Beyond website. Make your own list of what issues you want to cover before the car gets loaded up at the end of the summer. Put what is most important to you and your family at the top and start your first conversation, maybe when you’re helping them sort their own laundry.

Lastly, savor this last summer with them home, in a flash it will be over and like the milestones of their first words, riding a 2-wheeled bike, and graduating from high school, this time will be a memory. Enjoy it and use it to ensure that your college student has a full tool-box for college success.

Taking Action

Give your college bound teen the link to CDC’s webpage (College Health and Safety: https://www.cdc.gov/family/college/), which addresses these and other issues:

There are all kinds of tests in college–beyond those you take for a grade.

• Social and sexual pressures.
• The temptation of readily available alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy food.
• The challenge of getting enough sleep.
• Stress from trying to balance classes, friends, homework, jobs, athletics, and leadership positions.

One way you can do this is to have them add it to the contacts list in their phone.

Worried that you’ve forgotten something? This checklist is a useful reminder:

• Make a plan – what do they do if they get sick?
• Make a contract – if you’re paying, what are your requirements? Have your teen sign consent for you to get grade reports
• Nuts and bolts – do they know how to do laundry?
• What supports did they have in High School that will disappear?
• Do they need to register with the Office of Students with Disabilities?
• Create a budget together; identify who is responsible for which expenses
• How will they choose classes? Plan their schedule?
• What should they do if they feel homesick?

Make time for family fun:

Cook together their favorite recipes, especially the easy ones that they can reproduce in their dorm’s kitchen to wow their roommates. Make index card copies of the recipes and an online version that you can send to them later in the year.

Sit down together to make a photobook online and order 2 copies, one for you at home and one to send with them to college.

Make plans to check something off of your child’s bucket list before they leave for school. If the whole family can participate, even better.

Further Reading

Additional suggestions for how to have the pre-college conversation before you’re in the car driving them there.

Launching Conversations: Tips for Parents of College Bound Kids

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maureen-price-tillman/launching-conversations-t_b_694622.html

Letting go: Tips for Parents of New College Students

http://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/letting-go-new-college-students/

Launching your College Student

www.northshorecenterllc.com/userfiles/229143/file/Launchingyourcollegestudent.pdf

Feeling melancholy about your child going off to college?

Struggling to Let Go of My College-Student Daughter

https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/01/struggling-to-let-go-of-my-college-student-daughter/

It’s not too early to start practicing:

The Six Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Adult Child

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/28/adult-children-parenting_n_1916536.html

We live saturated with information, plugged into devices using applications that daily, hourly and minute-by-minute repeat and reinforce messages that convey information, anxiety and concern. As parents we not only have to figure out what age-appropriate access we want for our children, but also how to manage our own responses to this never-ending barrage.

This has nothing to do with any particular party or point of view. Being plugged in fans the flames of anxiety and outrage. The gulf between people holding opposing opinions often feels insurmountable. Change always produces anxiety and everyone can agree that things really did change with this election.

We’re familiar with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Once someone has suffers a significant trauma, the emotional impact of each subsequent upheaval or disaster is amplified. For many people in metropolitan New York, whether or not you were personally affected, 9/11 was a significant traumatic event. The toll from Super-Storm Sandy, the Great Recession, the 2016 election, and more personal events, like the death of a loved one, don’t entirely disappear. Loss of resiliency makes it harder to bounce back. Being aware of this helps to counteract the emotional rollercoaster caused by the latest upsetting event or news story.

What is a parent to do? We have to engage this issue on three fronts:

1. Manage your own reactions; be aware of the face you present to your child and how you talk with your family about issues and concerns. This isn’t only about what is age-appropriate information, but how to talk to your child about fears and anxiety.
2. Control the 24-hour news cycle. How much information is too much information? You want your child to be involved in civic life, but does that mean they should have an open window to the full range of what you’re thinking and feeling? Your answers to these questions are highly personal; whatever you decide, you should be aware of the effect on your child’s sense of well-being and security—regardless of the risks and dangers you feel.
3. Learn how to disagree and how to have a dialogue with someone with a different viewpoint. Living where polarization and not compromise is the norm in politics is one thing, but think about how the behavior seen on the nightly news would translate onto the playground. Children need to see dialogue and compromise modeled.

The first step is to become aware yourself, about how you are reacting – whether it is to something you read on your Facebook feed or your response to an “idiot” driver in front of you when you’re rushing to get your child to school on time.

Here are some suggestions for taking that first step:

This may sound simple, but it is powerful. Just unplug. Park everyone’s smart phone or tablet when you walk in the door at the end of the day. After checking in after dinner, resist the urge to read the umpteenth update.

Identify the positive and name it. This doesn’t mean that the causes of your stress are to be ignored. Try to find something good in your day. The positive feelings you generate will empower you to face the scary stuff.

Practice some mindfulness techniques when your blood begins to boil. Step away from what you’re reading, think about the present moment; really pay attention to your child, focus on what they are doing and try to identify and think about what all of your senses are telling you. Think about making that moment an indelible memory.

Come up with your own “curse” to use when you feel a blast of frustration while driving. That made up expletive allows you to vent but also introduces humor into the moment, a valuable tool to diffusing anger.

Focus on keeping your interactions human. Really look at the grocery store cashier, smile and ask how their day is going when they start to ring up your purchases. Let that car trying to pull out of a parking spot on a busy road go, rather than racing around it.

Express gratitude; this includes to your spouse and children for simply making you smile. Say it and mean it.

Show empathy and act on it.

We’ve all be through a lot lately. Bringing your own emotional thermostat under control is a first step to managing stress and anxiety. Not only are you reducing your own levels of anxiety, you are laying a strong foundation being able to help your child learn to regulate their emotions.

The start of a new year is a time when many people make resolutions. Often, within a month or two those resolutions are sheepishly neglected. Now that you and your family are back in a routine after the busy holiday season, it’s a great time to reset everyone’s tech time.

Just because you may need your child to work the remote or your tween rolls their eyes when you ask them about Facebook and you remember that Facebook is sooo yesterday, you shouldn’t throw in the towel, put in your ear buds and settle for feeling uneasy about the latest app your child may or may not be using.

Managing your family’s technology use is important for several reasons. Your child’s brain development is impacted (click here to read more); social media savvy is part of twenty-first century social skills; and figuring out how to keep your family active and healthy while they’re plugged-in is a challenge that won’t be going away (click here for ideas on encouraging your family to develop life-long health habits).

How then do parents guide their children’s use of electronics when it is common to see smart phones and tablets in the hands of many children and it can be challenging for many high school students to manage without access to a computer?

Take the time to review guidelines for children’s media use (like those of the American Academy of Pediatrics here) and to map out for yourself how your family members, including yourself, need to use technology.

It may make sense to try to log everyone’s use – sometimes just facing the facts (how much time is spent looking down at a smart phone, how many text messages are sent and received in a day or how many hours are spent in a sedentary way in front of a screen) is enough of a wake-up call to change behaviors and routines.

Take time to think about your family’s values and goals. Think about what habits you want to cultivate in your children. Use a family meeting as a time to engage, as a family, in thinking about what is gained by having a cell phone “corral” where everyone in the family parks their devices during dinner; about the life-long benefits of being physically active every day; talk about the importance of a good night’s sleep, and that putting away devices an hour before turning out the lights contributes to a restful night.

Getting your family’s online time or video gaming under control may seem daunting, but it is like setting any other limit. You need to think about your family’s values, set and enforce the limits and boundaries that fit into those values, and model appropriate behavior. You can use a tool like The Family Media Plan to customize your family’s guidelines on screen time.

Don’t skip the step of learning about how your child uses social media and games. Become your child’s mentor in navigating the complicated life of a “digital native.” (Check out The Mentorship Manifesto to learn more.)

• Sit down, pick up a controller and play. Don’t just lecture your tween on their phone becoming a body part.
• Get past their hostility and ask them what they like about Snap-chat (or whatever App has taken its place) and what they don’t like. For them “social media” really is social, it is how they engage with their peers, so the emotional issues of adolescence are part of their electronic lives.
• Explore what makes them happy and what is hurtful and upsetting. Start a conversation about what they are feeling and how their actions can change that.
• Help them to understand that the reason their friend may not have responded to the dozen text messages your child sent may have nothing to do with how much they are liked,
• Encourage them to think twice before sending a sarcastic reply to a friend or forward an inappropriate photograph and to consider how their words might be misunderstood.
• Don’t forget to help them fix it when a message they sent blows up in their face; help them understand however fleeting the message may seem in cyber-space, the hurt caused by words can last a lifetime.
• No matter how uncomfortable talking with your teen about “sexting” may make you both feel; it is an important conversation to have.

There are dangers out there. Teach yourself and your family to own your cyber-identities. Take steps together to protect your information. The half-life of photos online is radioactive; it doesn’t go away and can haunt someone forever. Model good habits by asking your child permission to post their photograph on your Facebook page (click here for a great article explaining why).

The next step: put down the tablet now; log-off the computer; or turn the alerts on your phone and put it away. You can follow up on the links in this article later. As one media expert puts it: Stop Texting, Enjoy Life. Now.

Embedded Links in this article:

Impact on children’s brain development: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mental-wealth/201402/gray-matters-too-much-screen-time-damages-the-brain

Keeping your family active: https://www.healthiergeneration.org/live_healthier/get_moving/

American Academy of Pediatrics parents’ resources, including guidelines for children’s media use:

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/news/Pages/AAP-Announces-New-Recommendations-for-Childrens-Media-Use.aspx

 

Family Media Plan: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx

The Mentorship Manifesto proposed by Devorah Heitner

Why I Started Asking Permission Before Sharing My Kids’ Photos on Facebook by Heidi Stevens: http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/stevens/ct-ask-kids-permission-for-facebook-pix-balancing-0904-20160904-column.html

It’s a big step from the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendations for children’s media use, issued in October 2016 to figuring out how to manage technology in your own home. The AAP’s guidelines are a good starting point:

• For children younger than 18 months, avoid use of screen media other than video chatting. Parents of children 18 to 24 months of age who want to introduce digital media should choose high quality programming, and watch it with their children to help them understand what they’re seeing.
• For children ages 2 to 5 years, limit screen use to 1 hour per day of high-quality programs. Parents should co-view media with children to help them understand what they are seeing and apply it to the world around them.
• For children ages 6 and older, place consistent limits on the time spent using media, and the types of media, and make sure media does not take the place of adequate sleep, physical activity and other behaviors essential to health.
• Designate media-free times together, such as dinner or driving, as well as media-free locations at home, such as bedrooms.
• Have ongoing communication about online citizenship and safety, including treating others with respect online and offline.

https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/american-academy-of-pediatrics-announces-new-recommendations-for-childrens-media-use.aspx

But how to translate these into what works for your family; getting your family’s online time or video gaming under control may seem daunting, but it is like setting any other limit. You need to think about your family’s values, set and enforce the limits and boundaries that fit into those values, and model appropriate behavior. You can use a tool like The Family Media Plan to customize your family’s guidelines on screen time.

Become a more alert digital user. Talk about buying digital devices before you make a purchase of a new technology. Engage your children in a conversation about the benefits and downsides of introducing the latest electronic device – whether it’s a smart thermostat or an Amazon Echo. When appropriate, the limits to using the device should be part of the conversation.

Keep electronics in common areas of your home. Don’t put a television or computer in your child’s bedroom. Create a digital corral for everyone in the family to keep their devices; everyone’s cell phones go there at dinnertime and at night. Getting our digital lives under control means that everyone in the family follows the same rules. It doesn’t do any good if your child’s smart phone is put away when you go out for pizza, if you’re answering work emails.

Make a plan to change your family’s use gradually: introduce the goal at a family meeting and brainstorm together what boundaries to set and how to follow them. Don’t just tell your child to put away the tablet and “do something.” Have alternatives, like board games or craft supplies, readily available. Help your child find something else to do. Accept that you may have to deal with a bit more whining or listening to your child say “I’m bored.”

Develop your own tech-savvy and understanding of the intersection of technology and human values. Think of yourself as your child’s technology mentor more than their digital monitor. When your tween comes downstairs feeling sad and says that they don’t have any friends and explains that their friend didn’t immediately respond to all the text messages they sent out, it’s a teachable moment about empathy. Ask your child if they always respond instantly upon receiving a text. Aren’t there times when they’re busy doing something else or don’t have their phone with them. Children and teens are just learning how to communicate and how to calibrate their responses. Teach them to ask themselves: “Are you sure you really want to send this?” when they’re angry or upset. Help them figure out how to fix it if something they have sent hurt someone else. Remember that you, as a parent, can get lost in the fog of your own digital use, making you inaccessible to your child. Repeat the mantra for yourself as well as your child: “Stop texting, enjoy life.”

There are a number of helpful resources, from the Family Media Plan mentioned above, to helpful books, blogs and online resources. Check them out!

A key part of your communicating with your child is about your underlying values and the expectations you have for your family. Before you read any further, take some time to figure out with your partner what is important to you and what expectations and boundaries you have and how far are you willing to compromise. If you are clear about what the line in the sand is for your family choosing your battles becomes easier. Then, pick your spot (where no means no and you are committed to enforcing the consequences for your teen crossing that line) and stick to it. If it is clear to everyone in the family, dealing with your child, or in a more significant way, your teen, become much less emotionally charged.

When a child is small, we often use boundaries to protect them and keep them away from harm or danger. As they grow older and become teenagers, these boundaries naturally shift and change, but it’s still important to maintain your boundaries so that your teen knows what kind of behavior is acceptable, and feels safe knowing that you care. As all parents know, children like to test the limits of their boundaries and teenagers are no exception. In fact, they can be particularly adept at digging their heels in when orders are given. One way to stop this happening is to let them know why something is important.

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed together with teenagers. When teenagers understand the reasons behind your decision and see that you’ve taken their opinions into account, they may be more motivated to co-operate.

Rules can help you keep your child safe, but as they get older you will need to negotiate and let them take more responsibility for their own safety. There may be times when your values conflict with the values that your children are learning from other people and the media. This may be when you find yourself negotiating.

Talk to your teen and let them know what is important to you and why. Give them a chance to respond, and make sure you really listen. When you are genuinely willing to compromise, you may find that the conversation is much more effective, as your teen gains a sense of responsibility. Work out what is really important to you and what you could let go. Too many boundaries can cause resentment and be impossible to maintain, so strike a balance and be prepared to re-negotiate.

Shifting gears in how you communicate with your teen can feel awkward as you, as a parent navigates the balance between their growing maturity and independence and the challenge of guiding them to make good choices. It’s a given that there will be conflict, but have been working to keep the lines of communication open with your teen, the hard conversations may be easier.

• Find neutral times to talk about the big issues; for many families, a car ride to the mall to run errands is a good opportunity for such conversations.
• Give your teen a choice about participating in some family activities. Encourage them to join in, but this is a step toward independence.
• Share your own experiences, using “I” messages. Treat your teen with respect, as an equal by asking open-ended questions and listening without passing judgment.
• Practice what you preach. Teens see hypocrisy very clearly.
• Don’t try to solve their problems for your teen, but help them work out a solution or make a plan of action. Check back to see how it went.
• Appreciate their positive qualities and make a point to celebrate these.
• It isn’t easy when boundaries are crossed and there have to be consequences for bad decisions to make clear that your teen still has your unconditional love. Find an opportunity to make sure that your teen knows they will always have your unconditional love.

There will be conflict and everyone will be feeling strong emotions. Exercise self-awareness to manage your own reactions. Breathe deeply, and slow down to help keep in control. Now have that hard conversation with your teen.

Further Reading

Suggestions from the perspective of a 20-something:
30 Ways to Connect with Your Teen

A roadmap for clarifying your own family’s values:
Values Matter: Using Your Values to Raise Caring, Responsible, Resilient Children

Help with holding firm with boundaries:
Setting Boundaries with Teens: Sticking to “No”

Guidance for navigating conflict with teens:
Conflict management with teenagers

A one-page reminder of 10 things that are important in parent-teen interactions:
10 Principles for Parenting Your Teens

What’s the best way to find out what’s going on with your teen?
How to Listen and Get Through to Your Teen

 

August is fast coming to a close and a new school year is just around the corner. Now’s the time, in between the final lazy days of summer and shopping for school supplies, to start your family’s transition to the school year.

Doing so now allows everyone to feel more in control and to have less anxiety. You, as a parent, have some work to do.

Take time to look back on the last school year: what was most challenging and stressful, both for you and for your child? Think too about what worked and about what inspired your child.

Some questions to consider:

• How much does tiredness contribute to your stress? Juggling work and family responsibilities can be exhausting. Is everyone in the house getting enough sleep?
• How can you be better organized? What can you do to better manage everyone in the family’s time?
• Think about out-of-school commitments. How much time do various extra-curricular activities take? How much time does your family need to manage the essentials of school and work, and what other activities can you manage while keeping your sanity?
• What is your child’s learning style? People learn in different ways, and your child’s learning style may be different from your own, which may make helping your child challenging.
• Does your child have learning differences? Have they been identified and is the school providing the necessary support? Are there other things you can do at home to help?

Engage the whole family in identifying the issues and in thinking about ways of addressing them.

• Start your back to school routine now, getting everyone used to getting up in the morning, which probably means earlier bedtimes and less television or screen time.
• Plan and hold a family conference to talk about goals for the year. Start by talking about last year, what worked and what went wrong. Brainstorm solutions as a family. Set up a plan and decide how everyone will be held accountable. Start using a calendar that everyone can see to keep tabs on upcoming commitments. Schedule a regular weekly check-in to organize the coming week.
• Encourage using reading and math skills by setting up a family reading chart (including everyone in the family) or post vocabulary, math or logic challenges on the fridge.
• As a family, designate and decorate a table, a corner or a room for homework. Take time to talk about how to accomplish homework success before the pressures of the school year start to build up. Help your child set achievable goals and find a way to chart progress on those goals. Have your child design or print out encouraging statements to hang up there.
• Hold a family treasure hunt, searching for all those loose crayons, pencils, pens, calculators, notebooks and other academic supplies lying around the house. Store them all together in a shoebox or bin for use when supplies are low or missing.
• Plans ways to celebrate your child’s accomplishments. Don’t forget to reward effort and hard work.

Remember to take the time to savor the last days of summer. Don’t be too frantic about the coming year; you want to make sure your batteries are fully charged for the first day of school.

You are now on the way to having the best school year ever.

Further Reading

Supporting Children’s Different Kinds of Intelligences: https://www.childcaregroup.org/training/images/Misc/DifferentKindsofSmarts.pdf

Help Your Child Prepare for Back to School: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/family-health-12/back-to-school-prep

Back to School Tips for Children on the Autism Spectrum: http://www.researchautism.org/family/Transitioning%20Back%20to%20School%20for%20Parents.pdf

Get in Gear for the New School Year: https://blog.ed.gov/2013/08/get-in-gear-for-the-new-school-year-back-to-school-tips-for-parents/

How to have a family meeting: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201209/10-tips-holding-family-meeting

Ideas for setting up a homework station: http://modernparentsmessykids.com/poyel-do-able-diy-homework-stations/

Innovative ways to celebrate your child’s accomplishments: http://fatherhood.about.com/od/activities/a/celebrating.htm

August is fast coming to a close and a new school year is just around the corner. Now’s the time, in between the final lazy days of summer and shopping for school supplies, to start your family’s transition to the school year.

Doing so now allows everyone to feel more in control and to have less anxiety. You, as a parent, have some work to do.

Take time to look back on the last school year: what was most challenging and stressful, both for you and for your child? Think too about what worked and about what inspired your child.

Some questions to consider:

• How much does tiredness contribute to your stress? Juggling work and family responsibilities can be exhausting. Is everyone in the house getting enough sleep?
• How can you be better organized? What can you do to better manage everyone in the family’s time?
• Think about out-of-school commitments. How much time do various extra-curricular activities take? How much time does your family need to manage the essentials of school and work, and what other activities can you manage while keeping your sanity?
• What is your child’s learning style? People learn in different ways, and your child’s learning style may be different from your own, which may make helping your child challenging.
• Does your child have learning differences? Have they been identified and is the school providing the necessary support? Are there other things you can do at home to help?

Engage the whole family in identifying the issues and in thinking about ways of addressing them.

• Start your back to school routine now, getting everyone used to getting up in the morning, which probably means earlier bedtimes and less television or screen time.
• Plan and hold a family conference to talk about goals for the year. Start by talking about last year, what worked and what went wrong. Brainstorm solutions as a family. Set up a plan and decide how everyone will be held accountable. Start using a calendar that everyone can see to keep tabs on upcoming commitments. Schedule a regular weekly check-in to organize the coming week.
• Encourage using reading and math skills by setting up a family reading chart (including everyone in the family) or post vocabulary, math or logic challenges on the fridge.
• As a family, designate and decorate a table, a corner or a room for homework. Take time to talk about how to accomplish homework success before the pressures of the school year start to build up. Help your child set achievable goals and find a way to chart progress on those goals. Have your child design or print out encouraging statements to hang up there.
• Hold a family treasure hunt, searching for all those loose crayons, pencils, pens, calculators, notebooks and other academic supplies lying around the house. Store them all together in a shoebox or bin for use when supplies are low or missing.
• Plans ways to celebrate your child’s accomplishments. Don’t forget to reward effort and hard work.

Remember to take the time to savor the last days of summer. Don’t be too frantic about the coming year; you want to make sure your batteries are fully charged for the first day of school.

You are now on the way to having the best school year ever.

A teenager’s life is full of stressful decisions and difficult emotions. Meditation is known to reduce conditions that start in adolescence, including anxiety, depression, and stress. Meditation is the purposeful focusing of the mind, which trains your mind to your mind to slow down, relax, and stay positive. Meditating for just a few minutes a day can help your teen feel centered, balanced, and more in control — even during the times when they are not meditating. Studies show that effect of meditation on symptoms of anxiety and depression was exactly the same as the effect of antidepressants. When your teen makes meditation their daily routines, it may help them feel more grounded when it seems like they are being pulled in a million directions.

Don’t have a teen yet? Meditation can be introduced at any age. It is never too early to have your child start meditating!

Meditation Sounds Great! But How Do I Get My Teen to Start?

Lead by example. It’s hard to convince adolescents of the benefits of a mindfulness practice without modeling it yourself. When you meditate, you will be able to demonstrate your ability to manage stress and respond, not react, to setbacks. If you want your teen to take mindfulness seriously, they need to see it in action. Additionally, you can turn meditation into something that you and your child can do together!

Teach your child about his/her mind. Explain to them that when they practice mindfulness, they will learn that much of the chatter of the mind is just that: chatter. It’s not reality; it’s worry, it’s anxiety, it’s baseless projection. Mindfulness teaches teenagers to recognize the downward spiral of thoughts before it gets out of hand, perhaps learning to label it as simply “worrying.” Explain to them a benefit of meditation will be to acknowledge the anxiety without getting caught up in it, without it leading to the rumination that ultimately ruins their mood.

One other way to get teens to meditate is by sharing the benefits of meditating with them. Share facts with them such as:

• Meditation can help boost test scores. That means bumping up their grades or SAT score.
• It leads to building stronger connections with peers.
• It improves concentration providing a longer attention span.
• It improves your memory, attitude, and athletic performance.
• Mediation reduces stress, anxiety, and depression.

How to Meditate:

Does meditating seem daunting to you? It shouldn’t-because there is no wrong way to meditate. Start with the basics. Find a time where meditation will work in your schedule. Choose a time of day where you will be most. Find a quiet area in your house that you will have the least distractions and there is not a lot of noise. You can sit in a comfortable seated position or you can lie down (just don’t fall asleep!). Close your eyes, focus on your breath, and relax. Focus on breathing air through your nose, filling your lungs, and expelling the air from you nose. Start off by meditating for 3-5 minutes at a time. When you become more comfortable with meditation, then you can increase your meditation time intervals.

If this still feels intimidating to you, try guided meditation.

What is guided meditation?

Guided Meditation is a process by which one or more participants meditate in response to the guidance provided by a trained practitioner or teacher, either in person or via a written text, sound recording, video, or audiovisual media. It can be comprised of music or verbal instruction, or a combination of both. Here links to some guided mediation apps and free web-based guided meditations.

Meditation is a simple tool, which can increase your teen’s quality of life dramatically. It delivers multiple advantages that your teen will benefit from. By becoming more mindful, your teen will learn to navigate through daily scenarios that may lead to stress, depression, and anxiety. Your teen will learn to become more self-aware, which will lead to building stronger connections with friends and family. Also, with meditation, your teen’s concentration may improve, which may lead to a higher academic success.

Talk to your teen about meditation today!

 

References

• Britton, W.B., Lepp, N.E, Niles, H.F., Rocha, T., Fisher, N.E., & Gold, J. S. (2014). A randomized controlled pilot trial of classroom-based mindfulness meditation compared to an active control condition in sixth-grade children. Journal of School Psychology. (52)3, pp 263-278.
• Roeser, R.W. & Pinela, C. (2014). Mindfulness and compassion training in adolescence: A developmental contemplative science perspective. New Directions for Youth Development, 142, pp. 9-30, ISSN: 15338916.’
• Barnert, E., Himelstein, S., Herbert, S., Garcia-Romeu, A., & Chamberlain L., (2014). Exploring an intensive meditation intervention for incarcerated youth. Child & Adolescent Mental Health.19(1). Pp 69-73.

Does the idea of preparing a balanced meal for your family nightly seem overwhelming? Have you gotten into the habit of getting take out or going through the drive through on most nights because it is easier or quicker? Maybe you feel that you don’t even know what is healthy anymore since there are so many different diet trends and you are on nutrition information overload: low fat, low-carb, gluten free, vegan, paleo. The best advice is moderation: eat a balanced diet, cut down on salty and sugary foods, and don’t overeat.

Parents and caregivers play a key role in not only making healthy choices for children, but also in teaching children to make healthy choices for themselves. But in today’s busy world, this isn’t always easy.

A healthy diet includes a variety of whole foods, including fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes (dried beans and peas), nuts and seeds. For additional protein, you can add in moderate amounts of fish, poultry, lean meats, and low-fat and fat-free dairy products. The food that you stock your house with directly influences your family’s food choices. Surrounding your family with healthier options will leave them no choice but to eat better food.

Here are five key areas to make small changes that can make a huge difference and add up to changes in your family’s eating habits:

1. Incorporate fruits & vegetables into your child’s meal. Kids should eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day. You can serve fresh, frozen, and canned fruits and vegetables. Offer your child 100% juice, with no added sugar. Try mixing vegetables into dishes, such as adding peas to rice, or cucumbers to a sandwich.

Make it fun for kids to try new fruits and vegetables. Let them pick out a new fruit or vegetable in the grocery store each week, and figure out together how to cook or prepare it in a healthy way.

2. Reduce Your Family’s Fat and Sugar Intake. You can do this by switching to low or non-fat milk, yogurt and cheese, choosing lean cuts of meat like skinless chicken or extra lean ground beef, and bake or grill instead of fry. Also, when cooking substitute olive or vegetable oil for butter. Have your child drink water or low-fat milk for sodas or sweetened beverages. Switch to lower sugar breakfast cereals, and switch desserts like ice cream and cake for fruit based desserts.

Drink sparkling water, unsweetened tea or sugar-free beverages instead of sugar sweetened soda or tea. Add lemon, lime or berries to beverages for extra flavor.

3. Reduce the number of snacks served each day. Leave a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table. Incorporate fruits and vegetables into every snack, such as fruit or carrot and celery sticks with hummus. Differentiate between snacks that require permission (cookies), versus snacks that kids can take freely (fresh or dried fruit). Save “treats”, such as cakes and cookies, for special occasions like birthdays and holidays.

Package your own healthy snacks. Put cut-up veggies and fruits in portion-sized containers for easy, healthy snacking on the go, without the added sugars and sodium.

4. Reduce portion sizes. Children are smaller than adults and should therefore eat smaller portions. Use smaller plates when serving dinner to your children. Don’t force your children to clean their plates if they are full. Remember, you child’s portions should be about the size of the back of their fist. Begin dinner with a small portion, your child can have seconds if they are still hungry.

When you cook at home you have more control over ingredients and portion sizes, so aim to cook at home more often than eating out. Try making a pot of soup, stew or a casserole on the weekend that you can re-heat later in the week. Double the recipe and freeze meal sized portions for times when you’re just too busy to cook.

5. Eat together as a family. Family meals should focus on eating and enjoying food and quality time together. Eating together as a family a chance for you to model good behavior. Lastly, regular scheduling meal and snack times will help kids learn structure for eating and mealtime.

Get your kids in the kitchen! They’ll be more excited about eating healthy foods when they’ve been involved. Give them age-appropriate tasks and keep a step-stool handy.

 

No one plans to drive under the influence of drugs or alcohol yet 11,000 people die in the United States each year due to impaired driving. That’s almost 30 deaths per day. December is National Impaired Driving Prevention Month and safe celebration at the holidays are an important opportunity to reduce the number of mothers, fathers, siblings, sons and daughters who are lost to their loved ones and friends. It’s also a time for parents to model for the their children how to stay safe and have a great time. If we’re going to reduce these tragic deaths, every one of us needs to hit the re-set button on our behavior and actions when we’re drinking.

If you are going to be drinking, don’t plan on driving. Coffee isn’t going to sober you up. Give your keys to someone else. Travel with a designated driver who will not be drinking at that party. Arrange a taxi or Uber car in advance, and have the numbers programmed in your cell phone. New Jersey participates in the National Directory of Designated Driver Services (http://www.drinkinganddriving.org/designated-driver-services/default.aspx) and there are several options in Essex County. You can even arrange for a car to pick you up and a second driver will drive your car home for you.

If you’re a parent of a teen, make sure that your child understands that the consequences of driving with someone who has been drinking are far more serious than calling home and asking to be picked up. Teens need to know that asking for help isn’t going to get them into trouble. Have a conversation about what they should do if they feel that someone shouldn’t be driving or if they are at a party and they aren’t comfortable with what is happening there.

As the host of a party there are some simple steps you can take to make sure that everyone both has a great time and gets home safely.

• Serve drinks and cocktails that don’t use carbonated mixers, as alcohol in carbonated drinks is absorbed faster into the blood stream.
• Provide enough for people to eat so no one is drinking on an empty stomach; good food makes for a great party.
• Don’t serve too many salty snacks, which may lead people to drink more.
• Offer non-alcoholic alternatives. Consider mixing a batch of a celebratory “mocktail” so that guests who are not drinking don’t feel left out of the celebration.
• Pay attention to your guests. Encourage someone who has clearly had one drink too many to switch to something less alcoholic. Make sure that no one drives away under the influence.
• Make a plan to ensure your guests safety. Collect car keys at the beginning of the party. Try to know in advance how your guests will get home. Have phone numbers handy for taxis.

If any of these steps make you uncomfortable, or feel like people will be critical of you for being too conservative, just think about waking up the morning after a party to discover that someone you celebrated with was involved in a fatal car crash on the way home.

It has never been easy to talk to teens about the dangers of smoking marijuana, but it has become increasing challenging in light of legalization of marijuana in Colorado and Washington, as well as the pervasive legalization of medical marijuana. Teens often hear what they want to hear, but like everything it is important to make sure that they understand the risks of the smoking marijuana.

In addition to having an ongoing dialogue about the pressures and stress that your teen may be feeling, how they may be feeling peer pressure to smoke pot, or how smoking pot makes them feel, parents need to share the real scientific data about how THC (the main psychoactive ingredient in marijuana) affects adolescents’ developing brains. THC moves through the bloodstream quickly, from the lungs to the brain, causing an immediate “high,” but it is a neurotoxin that can permanently alter the brain’s structure and function. Daily marijuana smoking affects the brain’s working memory, which is critical to learning and recall.

Smoking marijuana can be addictive, and the damage to lungs by the deep inhalation of the smoke is greater than that of cigarette smoke.

Taking a step back, the human brain continues to develop well into the 20s. Because of this, teens’ brains are especially vulnerable to the effects of THC, which can disrupt the development of neural pathways, especially in teens who are chronic marijuana users. While there is conflicting evidence regarding the long-term neurocognitive effects of smoking marijuana, there is no question that the teen years are a very vulnerable time to terms of brain development.

There is also research which links early marijuana use with the development of serious mental health disorders, including addiction, serious depression and anxiety and other disorders. It can lead to a syndrome that gets in the way of learning and schoolwork. Teens need to understand how smoking marijuana will reduce their options in life, may lead to addiction and is likely to contribute to lower achievement than they would achieve otherwise.

So what can parents do? They need to present the facts about smoking marijuana. At the same time, parents need to be able to take their teen’s pulse and carry on a dialogue that isn’t primarily about the dangers of smoking marijuana, but is about the pressures and concerns that your teen is feeling. This conversation is about trying to understand each other, so that all members of the family can be supportive of each other. Talking about serious issues like the risks of marijuana use and drug addiction is one facet of how a parent expresses concern, support and love. While your teen may not thank you for this, it will help create a space for him/her where s/he can mature and grow and learn how to make wise choices.